What Is It?

It’s driving me crazy

Something rip off my sanity

What is it actually?

It’s insane

But nothing to blame

Something disguistingly sweet fill me

Something out of rationality

What is it? What is it? Come and tell me.

I cant take it anymore

Everytime you hit my mind

My heart just beating out of line

Is it the L-thing ?

Come and tell me everything

Walk toward me and sing it, darling

Need to know how you feel

Do you feel the way i feel?

I know your heart is sealed

But I need to be healed

Love, love, love is something I need to feel.

Bitch in Uniform

Hey there, fella. It's been awhile since the last post. Ive been extremely busy with my school or to be spesific is im on my preparation for the national exam. Creepy, isn't it?
Pft..then let me forget about that for awhile. I have soooo many things to write but im stuck with where do i have to start with first?

Maybe the break-up-thing is the best choice.

I know it's kinda late to write about but it was pretty waste of energy. Now my (ex)best friend snatched my ex-boyfriend. The shameless girl has become the new backstabber of my story.

I really dont mind about they got together but something bothers me; the promise which she said to me was meaningless. It was nothing but crap. She said she didnt like him as a potential boyfriend, she was just best friends with him but you know almost every twat tells a lie.

I wrote rhynes for her, angry rhymes actually. Please enjoy B)

We used to be happy

While we sing it loudly

We used to be together

But you are the liar

We are still friends, aren’t we?

NO

You used to be my friend

But you stab me from behind

All the promises

I won’t keep anymore

Because you've made your self look like a whore

You are not who you are

You forgotten what we are

You are the bitch in uniform

In unusual kind of form

I wont come back

Because nothing left but crack

F-word for you baby

Don’t worry I will forgive you, sweety

But you must die in front of me

Now how is that, honey?

Last Kiss

Just Fyi, ive nevere kissed a guy before but this song fits on me.

I still remember the look on your face
Lit through the darkness at 1:58
The words that you whispered for just us to know
You told me you loved me so why did you go... away.

I do recall now the smell of the rain,
Fresh on the pavement,
I ran off the plane,
That July night, the beat of your heart,
It jumps through your shirt I can still feel your arms.

But now I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes,
All that I know is I don't know,
How to be something you miss.
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name forever the name on my lips

I do remember the swing of your step
The life of the party you're showing off again
And I roll my eyes and then you pulled me in.
I'm not much for dancing,
But for you I did because
I loved your handshake meeting my father
I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets
How you'd kiss me when I was in the middle of saying something.
There's not a day I don't miss those rude interruptions and

I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes,
All that I know is I don't know, how to be something you miss.
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name forever the name on my lips
Ohh

So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep and
I'll feel you forget me like I use to feel you breathe and
I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are.
Hope it's nice where you are and
I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day and
Something reminds you,
You wish you had stayed we can plan for a change in weather and time,
I never planned on you changing your mind.

So,
I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes,
All that I know is I don't know, how to be something you miss.
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name forever the name on my lips,
Just like our last kiss,
Forever the name on my lips,
Forever the name on my lips.
Just like our last

Last Kiss, Taylor Swift, Speak Now

A boy in my dream

Minggu ini mimpiku di ganggu sama seorang bocah laki-laki yang nggak seharusnya ada di dunia fantasi milik pribadi yaitu mimpi. Pake mimpinya berulang kali pula - -a

In reality I know him just as my friend but I don’t know why he appeared in my dream.

Mimpi ini bisa ngerubah persepsiku tentang bocah itu. Awalnya aku fine-fine aja sama dia—without any crush feeling at all. Tapi mimpi itu ngerubah pandangan plus perasaanku.

BUT !!  after three times Ive dreamed of him, he got closer to me in my dream (kita udah kayak pacaran laa) and I think I have to confess that these dreams have gotten me and changed me. Now from nothing , I feel everything! I have crush on him T.T

Aku tahu seharusnya aku nggak boleh lancing mikirin orang sembarangan sampe kebawa mimpi gitu -,- but I don’t wanna be a damned hypocrite bitch up here. I feel grateful to have him in my universe last night. He was mine and it felt good. Trust me :)

Aku tahu mimpi Cuma bunga tidur yang nggak bakal jadi kenyataan.

Buti..Ive dreamed about something twice and it did come true.

Then what about this dream?

Candaan, perhatian plus keasyikan bocah ini dalam mimpi, apa juga bakal terwujud juga?

Unfortunately, I do really hope so

Im A Big Girl In A Big World

I'm a big big girl 

In a big big world 

It's not a big big thing if you leave me 

But I do do feel that 

I do do will miss you much 

Miss you much... 

I can see the first leaf falling 

It's all yellow and nice 

It's so very cold outside 

Like the way I'm feeling inside 

I'm a big big girl 

In a big big world 

It's not a big big thing if you leave me 

But I do do feel that 

I do do will miss you much 

Miss you much... 

Outside it's now raining 

And tears are falling from my eyes 

Why did it have to happen 

Why did it all have to end 

I'm a big big girl 

In a big big world 

It's not a big big thing if you leave me 

But I do do feel that 

I do do will miss you much 

Miss you much... 

I have your arms around me ooooh like fire 

But when I open my eyes 

You're gone... 

I'm a big big girl 

In a big big world 

It's not a big big thing if you leave me 

But I do do feel that 

I do do will miss you much 

Miss you much... 

I'm a big big girl 

In a big big world 

It's not a big big thing if you leave me 

But I do feel I will miss you much 

Miss you much...

This post I dedicate to all the people or things that have gone left me 

Unspoken Thanks

Indahnya dunia tak diragukan.
Fikir melayang kadang terlewatkan.
Hidup memang tak pernah manis.
Selalu saja tak sejalan tak ayal sadis.
Walau kejam tapi tak akan sirna.
Jika belum waktunya.

Berani sekali bibir ini mengeluh?
Apa aku sudah melakukan semuanya dengan benar?

Coba hitung berapa tawa yang kau perdengarkan pada semesta?
Rekam semua keluh kesah yang kau derita.
Apakah kau sudah mengucap syukur sebelumnya?

Untuk diriku, aku yakin belum pernah.

Tuhan memberiku duka, aku mnegeluh.
Datang tawa, tapi aku acuh.

Apa yang sanggup menyadarkanku?

Jika mulut boleh berkata, mungkin cinta bunda jawab hatiku.
Duka terdalam kehilangan sauh.
Sudah setahun berlalu, namun baru detik ini aku merasa butuh.

Perayaan terlewatkan jauh, namun tetap saja aku jenuh.
Tak ada yang berarti selain cinta ibu.
Rasa terima kasih terbelenggu.
Tak tersampaikan karena cepatnya waktumu berlalu.

Tuhan aku bersyukur Engkau telah membiarkanku melewati cobaan-cobaan berarti.
Merasakan perih yang pasti.
Tersenyum ikhlas karena pada akhirnya aku mengerti
Bahwa setelah rintik hujan akan tampak pelangi.

Dan untuk ibu ku ucap banyak syukur atas kesediaanmu mengandung tubuh mungilku.
Izinkan aku menangis mengenang jasa tak berbalasmu.
Walau dirimu tak hadir lagi, namun hatiku rindu.
Kehampaan yang kau tinggalkan mendesak napas.
Jejak kasih dan senyummu berbekas.
Kasihmu tanpa batas dan ikhlas.
Bait doa serta harap kurangkai untukmu.
Dengan nama seluruh sel penyusun tubuhku,
Ucap terima kasih kupersembahkan.

Common Denominator

Just a fraction of your love fills the air
And I fall in love with you
All over again, oh
You're the light that feeds the sun
In my world
I'd face a thousand years of pain for my girl
Out of all the things in life that i could fear
The only thing that would hurt me, uh
Is if you weren't here, oh

[Chorus:]
I don't wanna go back to just being one half of the equation
Do you understand what I'm sayin'?
Girl, without you I'm lost
Can't fix this compass at heart
Between me and love,
You're the common denominator
Oh, oh , oh, oh
Common denominator
Oh, yeah, whoa

Before your love was low
Playing girls was my high
You changed the game
Now I put my card to the side, ay
When broken hearts rise up to say, "Love is a lie"
You and I would stand to be love's reply, yeah

Out of all things in life that I could fear, yeah
The only thing that would hurt me is if you weren't here, whoa

[Chorus]

I can't imagine life without your touch,
And every kiss that you give,
You fill me up
And through all the heart achin'
Jealous females hatin'

I'm gonna hold it down for you
You, whoa, oh, whoa
You're the common denominator
Oh yeah whoa

I don't wanna to go back...

[Chorus]

Just a fraction of your love fills the air
And I fall in love with you all over again, yeah 

Beautiful december, how can i not remember you?

November 20th 2010
The date when he first text me up to asked my friend’s phone number and we began to text each other everyday and everynight.
I have felt something for him along long time ago when he first did not notice that i am exist around him.
It was just a simple fancy feeling but God changed it and that fancy feeling turned out to be more than fancy.
I FALL FOR HIM.
I fall for his act and his respect to the girls. I fall for his gentle attitude and his extreme act was just an additional reason to make me fall deeper.
I started to give more signal to him and see how he would react after that. I give him attention and he gave me his too.
He asked me out and i started to feel my feet were not on the ground.
We had fun but something made me think.
We went out as friends not more than that.
And it is addicting, i want it more.
There is no smooth and simple way in this kind of life.
One day i heard a bad news about his past (a romance flashback).
He has a bunch of exs, he has THIRTY exs !!!!
Can you imagine it????
But if you want to start a relationship, dont forget to trust each other first and i do trust him so i continued my attempt to be closer with him.
My surrounding realized that i have fallen for him and i considered that realization as a bad thing because if it had a horrible end, the one who would suffer is me.
So i asked my friend to keep silent about what they have heard.
Time goes by so fast and my attempt showed a progress.
We’ve been out three times and in the last chance he asked me to be his girlfriend.
12♥12♥10 is a special date to remember .

At first, i did not expect anything but apparently on my home he held my hand, my left hand :)
I wont forget how he put his fingers between the space in my fingers and how he smile at me.

Im his girlfriend now so i dont need to attract his attention at me. The only thing that i should do now is to keep him beside me.

Bukan Kasih Hanya Kawan

Tak setenang dulu aku berpikir.

Tak seikhlas dulu aku tertawa

Dan...

Tak sesedih seperti dulu ketika aku berduka.

Maksud hati menghindari tapi tak disangka kau kembali.

Bukan dia tapi anda.

Bukan aku tapi saya.

Bukan apa-apa tapi suka.

Sadar diri aku dihadapmu.

Bukan kasih hanya kawan.

Tak berani aku berlebihan.

Dari kejauhan kau tampak bagai baja.

Namun baris kalimatmu sehalus sutra.

Apa maksudmu?

Jangan todong aku jika kalimatmu bagai candu.

Maksud hati ingin henti tapi kau bagai hantu.

Kau terbangkan aku tanpa sayap.

Buatku tertawa hingga meluap.

Lalu tak lama...

Kau jatuhkan aku  secepat kilat.

Membuat dadaku termegap-megap.

Air mata tampak mengilat.

Apa maksudmu?

Truth Hurts

If the truth hurts then it's working

 Maybe that would be the line if God could say everything to people.
Not every truth is hurts but mostly it is.
Which one do you think is better, fool by lies or hurt by the truth ?

If I can choose, I will choose the second choice.
Knowing the truth in the end is so much better than fooled by lies because you'll end up badly.
I know the truth now, so im thanking my God.
Iam not fool by lies anymore and it is over.


It's okay. I am fine this way.

Getting Over You (all over again)

This phrase of my life is taking my energy out.
I have to do it all over again.
Once.
Twice
and...
This is the third time Im trying to get over somebody.


Why do I have to do this over and over again ?
Do i have to get over him?
Can I have another chance? (i dont think this one have possibility)


It's been 9 days since we contact each other and ive just decided to end all of this.
I am tired of waiting and the crazy fact about waiting is I have to do it all over again


Do I have to go through this again?
But ive decided to stop waiting and take some times to be alone (sorry but i have to put 'again' ).
And now i dont know how to describe my feeling. I guess i cant feel anything clearly or you can just say I am numb.


I dont know how to fix my self after this disaster.
I have friends but I dont want to disturb their perfect life just to listen my pathetic story of life.
And i dont want to hear their perfect story of life either.
Am I jealous or intimidated?

But please just one question, tell me how to forget him?
Because everything i see and done reminds me of him.
HE IS EVERYWHERE.
I feel like he is haunting me around and not letting me to forget about him.
It's torturing me like HELL !


I need to get over him !
RIGHT AWAY and I need some HELP !

Cry

I'm not the type to get my heart broken
I'm not the type to get upset and cry
'cause I never leave my heart open
Never hurts me to say goodbye
Relationships don't get deep to me
Never got the whole in love thing
And someone can say they love me truly
But at the time it didn't mean a thing

My mind is gone, I'm spinning round
And deep inside, my tears I'll drown
I'm losing grip, what's happening
I stray from love, this is how I feel
This time was different
Felt like, I was just a victim
And it cut me like a knife
When you walked out of my life
Now I'm, in this condition
And I've, got all the symptoms
Of a girl with a broken heart
But no matter what you'll never see me cry

Did it happen when we first kissed?
'cause it's hurting me to let it go
Maybe 'cause we spent so much time
And I know that it's no more
I should've never let you hold me baby
Maybe why I'm sad to see us apart
I didn't give to you on purpose
Can't figure out how you stole my heart


How did I get here with you, I'll never know?
I never meant to let it get so, personal
And after all I tried to do, to stay away from loving you
I'm broken heart and I can't let you know
And I won't let it show
You won't see me cry

This time was different
Felt like, I was just a victim
And it cut me like a knife
When you walked out of my life
Now I'm, in this condition
And I've, got all the symptoms
Of a girl with a broken heart
But no matter what you'll never see me cry

All my life... 

Rihanna, Good Girl Gone Bad

Things Keep Falling Down

Tidak semua roda kehidupan dalam dunia ini dapat bertahan di posisi puncak.
Ada kalanya sebuah roda harus turun dan mengalah untuk roda baru yang sudah lama berada di bawah untuk naik.
Dan sepertinya ini lah saat-saat ketika roda kehidupan milikku turun.
Keadaan tidak membaik malah menjadi buruk.
Rasanya dunia sudah menggila jika masalah mulai datang satu per-satu.


Yang menurutku paling gak nguati adalah masalah finansial (maaf kalo curhatnya buka-bukaan).
Sejak uang simpanan yang dikasih almarhumah nenek habis, kebutuhanku sebagai murid smp dan remaja putri jadi berantakan.


Setiap kali aku kepengen sesuatu, kocekku selalu gak ada isinya atau pun kalo ada, pasti jumlahnya tidak mencukupi.
Aku tahu kalau setiap muslimah harus bersikap qanaah (waduh! ngutip pelajaran agama nih.).
Harus selalu merasa cukup dengan apa yang dipunya, tapi kan anda-anda tahu kalo kebutuhan manusia selalu lebih besar kuantitasnya daripada barang pemuas (Lho? kok jadi pelajaran ekonomi gini?).
Dan aku tahu aku masih punya orang tua tunggal yang berkelebihan, TAPI kerusakan malah terjadi di kantong utama keluargaku, yaitu papaku sendiri.


Acap kali mau minta, aku harus pikir banyak-banyak dulu sebelum menengadahkan tangan.
Aku takut memperumit masalah dan nambahi pikiran bapakku yang emang ruwet--dan semakin ruwet sejak mama meninggal--tambah ruwet.
Pokoknya aku takut simpanan bapakku juga ikut habis. Makanya aku sendiri juga keteteran mikirin kebutuhanku yang TAMBAH banyak ini.
Rasa takut membanjiri benakku.


Yang menjadi masalah selanjutnya adalah problema yang sudah lazim dirasakan oleh remaja banyak yang memiliki tingkat kepercayaan diri yang minim.
Apalagi AKU.
NOTHING IS PERFECT.
Gak ada hal yang patut dibanggakan dari cewek aneh kaya aku ini -__-


Mungkin setiap orang ngira aku hebat sekali punya bapak yang LEBIH (apanya tuh? badannya ape yang lain?) sekaligus punya kemampuan berbahasa alien eropa (bahasa inggris).
Tapi aku ga cukup bahagia dari situ.
Masih banyak hal yang mengerikan dari aku.


CONTOH :

1. Badannya tidak berbentuk layaknya gitar spanyol (malah berbentuk seperti kecapi. LHO?)
2. Alergi sama yang namanya angka (bisa dilihat kan? kalo aku lemah otak di matematika)
3. Punya suara yang menggelegar seperti speaker mesjid (oke, yang satu ini punya dua sisi; bisa baik, bisa enggak. Soalnya aku biasa teriak-teriak di kuping orang. haha)
4. Punya mulut yang super busuk dan setajam pisau cukur,
5. Dan yang terakhir memang gak banyak orang tahu kalo aku itu super sensitif sekali.

Bagian kelemahan yang terakhir itu cuma segelintir orang yang tahu. Soalnya aku selalu menyembunyikan semua sampah hidupku di balik ejekan, lelucon, tindakan dan tawa konyol.

Banyak orang ngira aku itu ceria, tapi yang berpendapat seperti itu hanyalah orang yang belum kenal dekat dengan aku.

Tapi it's okay. It is better that way.

Okay. Go back to my wheel of life.

Salah satu masalah yang jadi acuan kalo rodaku mulai berputar turun adalah kebahagiaan-kebahagiaan sederhana yang mulai jarang terasa.

Yang kusebut kebahagiaan itu adalah kenyamanan ketika kamu mendapati ada seseorang yang menyayangimu dengan cara yang berbeda (bukan rasa cinta antar keluarga) tetapi rasa sayang seorang 

bocah laki-laki (bocah jare).

Tapi aku memang butuh itu (keliatan sekali kalau saya jablay -__-)

Emang aku punya pacar, tapi ada temen yang ngomong kalo hubunganku itu sama aja bohong (Long Distance Relationship with Ryan O Conner yang sepertinya tidak serius).

Aku tahu itu, tapi semuanya udah terlanjur personal.

Setiap kali aku mendengar temanku ngobrol tentang cowok yang disukai ataupun pacarnya yang bertindak konyol sehingga membuat mereka malu ga ketolong, yang kulakukan setelah mendengar mereka adalah mengasihani diri sendiri atau nggak memberi penghiburan kecil, seperti : jika suatu hari nanti akan ada seorang laki-laki baik hati yang mempunyai cinta yang cukup besar untukku, tapi yang harus kulakukan sekarang hanyalah menunggu.

Menunggu laki-laki itu datang dengan sendirinya seiring pena takdir terus menerus menulis apa yang akan terjadi, tetapi bagaimana denga fakta bahwa takdir hanya bisa berubah jika si Manusia mengubahnya sendiri?

Aku semakin bingung di sini, kau tahu?

Ada satu waktu ketika salah satu sahabat saya bercerita tentang kencan pertamanya--dengan pacar baru tentunya--dan yang kurasakan adalah sebuah kedengkian bukan kebahagiaan.

Anehnya aku malah menangis dan berpikir bahwa laki-laki sudah tidak mau memilih cewek yang unik dan sebobrok aku. (JABLAY !). Yang ada di pikiranku saat itu adalah "Betapa bahagianya aku, jika yang digayuti oleh pacarnya adalah tanganku?" Detik itu aku langsung menarik napas panjang dan menekankan bahwa masih ada Ryan.

Things that often happen in my love life is "Right Time,Wrong Person. Wrong Time, Right Person."

Gimana gak jengah punya hidup kayak aku?

Hal-hal di atas merupakan benda-benda di kehidupanku yang mulai berjatuhan seiring rodanya yang berputar turun.

Mungkin yang harus kulakukan hanyalah bersabar dan bertawakal serta mempercatik diri mungkin ya?? (hahha)


Dan sudah seminggu lebih si Bule dari London itu gak balas emailku. Sudah berkali-kali aku ngirim, tapi balasannya tidak lebih dari cukup. Aku menutut lebih dan sekarang dia malah mencampakkanku.
And I guess, I have to stop waiting. Aku harus menekankan bahwa Ryan itu cuma khayalan gila dari otak jablayku dan kurasa aku harus tetap merasa kesepian dan memendam rasa iri kepada orang-orang yang sedang madly, deeply and truly in love with their muse. I have to stand alone. Again (what a loser).

P.S : I think today is the day when ryan is not going to call me 'dear' again.

From the fact above you can see that there is one more thing that began to fall. I promise I will stop contact and hoping that he would come back again. It hurts enough to know that it's been a week, we have no communication. It has to stop.