Im A Big Girl In A Big World

I'm a big big girl 

In a big big world 

It's not a big big thing if you leave me 

But I do do feel that 

I do do will miss you much 

Miss you much... 

I can see the first leaf falling 

It's all yellow and nice 

It's so very cold outside 

Like the way I'm feeling inside 

I'm a big big girl 

In a big big world 

It's not a big big thing if you leave me 

But I do do feel that 

I do do will miss you much 

Miss you much... 

Outside it's now raining 

And tears are falling from my eyes 

Why did it have to happen 

Why did it all have to end 

I'm a big big girl 

In a big big world 

It's not a big big thing if you leave me 

But I do do feel that 

I do do will miss you much 

Miss you much... 

I have your arms around me ooooh like fire 

But when I open my eyes 

You're gone... 

I'm a big big girl 

In a big big world 

It's not a big big thing if you leave me 

But I do do feel that 

I do do will miss you much 

Miss you much... 

I'm a big big girl 

In a big big world 

It's not a big big thing if you leave me 

But I do feel I will miss you much 

Miss you much...

This post I dedicate to all the people or things that have gone left me 

Unspoken Thanks

Indahnya dunia tak diragukan.
Fikir melayang kadang terlewatkan.
Hidup memang tak pernah manis.
Selalu saja tak sejalan tak ayal sadis.
Walau kejam tapi tak akan sirna.
Jika belum waktunya.

Berani sekali bibir ini mengeluh?
Apa aku sudah melakukan semuanya dengan benar?

Coba hitung berapa tawa yang kau perdengarkan pada semesta?
Rekam semua keluh kesah yang kau derita.
Apakah kau sudah mengucap syukur sebelumnya?

Untuk diriku, aku yakin belum pernah.

Tuhan memberiku duka, aku mnegeluh.
Datang tawa, tapi aku acuh.

Apa yang sanggup menyadarkanku?

Jika mulut boleh berkata, mungkin cinta bunda jawab hatiku.
Duka terdalam kehilangan sauh.
Sudah setahun berlalu, namun baru detik ini aku merasa butuh.

Perayaan terlewatkan jauh, namun tetap saja aku jenuh.
Tak ada yang berarti selain cinta ibu.
Rasa terima kasih terbelenggu.
Tak tersampaikan karena cepatnya waktumu berlalu.

Tuhan aku bersyukur Engkau telah membiarkanku melewati cobaan-cobaan berarti.
Merasakan perih yang pasti.
Tersenyum ikhlas karena pada akhirnya aku mengerti
Bahwa setelah rintik hujan akan tampak pelangi.

Dan untuk ibu ku ucap banyak syukur atas kesediaanmu mengandung tubuh mungilku.
Izinkan aku menangis mengenang jasa tak berbalasmu.
Walau dirimu tak hadir lagi, namun hatiku rindu.
Kehampaan yang kau tinggalkan mendesak napas.
Jejak kasih dan senyummu berbekas.
Kasihmu tanpa batas dan ikhlas.
Bait doa serta harap kurangkai untukmu.
Dengan nama seluruh sel penyusun tubuhku,
Ucap terima kasih kupersembahkan.

Common Denominator

Just a fraction of your love fills the air
And I fall in love with you
All over again, oh
You're the light that feeds the sun
In my world
I'd face a thousand years of pain for my girl
Out of all the things in life that i could fear
The only thing that would hurt me, uh
Is if you weren't here, oh

[Chorus:]
I don't wanna go back to just being one half of the equation
Do you understand what I'm sayin'?
Girl, without you I'm lost
Can't fix this compass at heart
Between me and love,
You're the common denominator
Oh, oh , oh, oh
Common denominator
Oh, yeah, whoa

Before your love was low
Playing girls was my high
You changed the game
Now I put my card to the side, ay
When broken hearts rise up to say, "Love is a lie"
You and I would stand to be love's reply, yeah

Out of all things in life that I could fear, yeah
The only thing that would hurt me is if you weren't here, whoa

[Chorus]

I can't imagine life without your touch,
And every kiss that you give,
You fill me up
And through all the heart achin'
Jealous females hatin'

I'm gonna hold it down for you
You, whoa, oh, whoa
You're the common denominator
Oh yeah whoa

I don't wanna to go back...

[Chorus]

Just a fraction of your love fills the air
And I fall in love with you all over again, yeah 

Beautiful december, how can i not remember you?

November 20th 2010
The date when he first text me up to asked my friend’s phone number and we began to text each other everyday and everynight.
I have felt something for him along long time ago when he first did not notice that i am exist around him.
It was just a simple fancy feeling but God changed it and that fancy feeling turned out to be more than fancy.
I FALL FOR HIM.
I fall for his act and his respect to the girls. I fall for his gentle attitude and his extreme act was just an additional reason to make me fall deeper.
I started to give more signal to him and see how he would react after that. I give him attention and he gave me his too.
He asked me out and i started to feel my feet were not on the ground.
We had fun but something made me think.
We went out as friends not more than that.
And it is addicting, i want it more.
There is no smooth and simple way in this kind of life.
One day i heard a bad news about his past (a romance flashback).
He has a bunch of exs, he has THIRTY exs !!!!
Can you imagine it????
But if you want to start a relationship, dont forget to trust each other first and i do trust him so i continued my attempt to be closer with him.
My surrounding realized that i have fallen for him and i considered that realization as a bad thing because if it had a horrible end, the one who would suffer is me.
So i asked my friend to keep silent about what they have heard.
Time goes by so fast and my attempt showed a progress.
We’ve been out three times and in the last chance he asked me to be his girlfriend.
12♥12♥10 is a special date to remember .

At first, i did not expect anything but apparently on my home he held my hand, my left hand :)
I wont forget how he put his fingers between the space in my fingers and how he smile at me.

Im his girlfriend now so i dont need to attract his attention at me. The only thing that i should do now is to keep him beside me.

Bukan Kasih Hanya Kawan

Tak setenang dulu aku berpikir.

Tak seikhlas dulu aku tertawa

Dan...

Tak sesedih seperti dulu ketika aku berduka.

Maksud hati menghindari tapi tak disangka kau kembali.

Bukan dia tapi anda.

Bukan aku tapi saya.

Bukan apa-apa tapi suka.

Sadar diri aku dihadapmu.

Bukan kasih hanya kawan.

Tak berani aku berlebihan.

Dari kejauhan kau tampak bagai baja.

Namun baris kalimatmu sehalus sutra.

Apa maksudmu?

Jangan todong aku jika kalimatmu bagai candu.

Maksud hati ingin henti tapi kau bagai hantu.

Kau terbangkan aku tanpa sayap.

Buatku tertawa hingga meluap.

Lalu tak lama...

Kau jatuhkan aku  secepat kilat.

Membuat dadaku termegap-megap.

Air mata tampak mengilat.

Apa maksudmu?

Truth Hurts

If the truth hurts then it's working

 Maybe that would be the line if God could say everything to people.
Not every truth is hurts but mostly it is.
Which one do you think is better, fool by lies or hurt by the truth ?

If I can choose, I will choose the second choice.
Knowing the truth in the end is so much better than fooled by lies because you'll end up badly.
I know the truth now, so im thanking my God.
Iam not fool by lies anymore and it is over.


It's okay. I am fine this way.

Getting Over You (all over again)

This phrase of my life is taking my energy out.
I have to do it all over again.
Once.
Twice
and...
This is the third time Im trying to get over somebody.


Why do I have to do this over and over again ?
Do i have to get over him?
Can I have another chance? (i dont think this one have possibility)


It's been 9 days since we contact each other and ive just decided to end all of this.
I am tired of waiting and the crazy fact about waiting is I have to do it all over again


Do I have to go through this again?
But ive decided to stop waiting and take some times to be alone (sorry but i have to put 'again' ).
And now i dont know how to describe my feeling. I guess i cant feel anything clearly or you can just say I am numb.


I dont know how to fix my self after this disaster.
I have friends but I dont want to disturb their perfect life just to listen my pathetic story of life.
And i dont want to hear their perfect story of life either.
Am I jealous or intimidated?

But please just one question, tell me how to forget him?
Because everything i see and done reminds me of him.
HE IS EVERYWHERE.
I feel like he is haunting me around and not letting me to forget about him.
It's torturing me like HELL !


I need to get over him !
RIGHT AWAY and I need some HELP !

Cry

I'm not the type to get my heart broken
I'm not the type to get upset and cry
'cause I never leave my heart open
Never hurts me to say goodbye
Relationships don't get deep to me
Never got the whole in love thing
And someone can say they love me truly
But at the time it didn't mean a thing

My mind is gone, I'm spinning round
And deep inside, my tears I'll drown
I'm losing grip, what's happening
I stray from love, this is how I feel
This time was different
Felt like, I was just a victim
And it cut me like a knife
When you walked out of my life
Now I'm, in this condition
And I've, got all the symptoms
Of a girl with a broken heart
But no matter what you'll never see me cry

Did it happen when we first kissed?
'cause it's hurting me to let it go
Maybe 'cause we spent so much time
And I know that it's no more
I should've never let you hold me baby
Maybe why I'm sad to see us apart
I didn't give to you on purpose
Can't figure out how you stole my heart


How did I get here with you, I'll never know?
I never meant to let it get so, personal
And after all I tried to do, to stay away from loving you
I'm broken heart and I can't let you know
And I won't let it show
You won't see me cry

This time was different
Felt like, I was just a victim
And it cut me like a knife
When you walked out of my life
Now I'm, in this condition
And I've, got all the symptoms
Of a girl with a broken heart
But no matter what you'll never see me cry

All my life... 

Rihanna, Good Girl Gone Bad

Things Keep Falling Down

Tidak semua roda kehidupan dalam dunia ini dapat bertahan di posisi puncak.
Ada kalanya sebuah roda harus turun dan mengalah untuk roda baru yang sudah lama berada di bawah untuk naik.
Dan sepertinya ini lah saat-saat ketika roda kehidupan milikku turun.
Keadaan tidak membaik malah menjadi buruk.
Rasanya dunia sudah menggila jika masalah mulai datang satu per-satu.


Yang menurutku paling gak nguati adalah masalah finansial (maaf kalo curhatnya buka-bukaan).
Sejak uang simpanan yang dikasih almarhumah nenek habis, kebutuhanku sebagai murid smp dan remaja putri jadi berantakan.


Setiap kali aku kepengen sesuatu, kocekku selalu gak ada isinya atau pun kalo ada, pasti jumlahnya tidak mencukupi.
Aku tahu kalau setiap muslimah harus bersikap qanaah (waduh! ngutip pelajaran agama nih.).
Harus selalu merasa cukup dengan apa yang dipunya, tapi kan anda-anda tahu kalo kebutuhan manusia selalu lebih besar kuantitasnya daripada barang pemuas (Lho? kok jadi pelajaran ekonomi gini?).
Dan aku tahu aku masih punya orang tua tunggal yang berkelebihan, TAPI kerusakan malah terjadi di kantong utama keluargaku, yaitu papaku sendiri.


Acap kali mau minta, aku harus pikir banyak-banyak dulu sebelum menengadahkan tangan.
Aku takut memperumit masalah dan nambahi pikiran bapakku yang emang ruwet--dan semakin ruwet sejak mama meninggal--tambah ruwet.
Pokoknya aku takut simpanan bapakku juga ikut habis. Makanya aku sendiri juga keteteran mikirin kebutuhanku yang TAMBAH banyak ini.
Rasa takut membanjiri benakku.


Yang menjadi masalah selanjutnya adalah problema yang sudah lazim dirasakan oleh remaja banyak yang memiliki tingkat kepercayaan diri yang minim.
Apalagi AKU.
NOTHING IS PERFECT.
Gak ada hal yang patut dibanggakan dari cewek aneh kaya aku ini -__-


Mungkin setiap orang ngira aku hebat sekali punya bapak yang LEBIH (apanya tuh? badannya ape yang lain?) sekaligus punya kemampuan berbahasa alien eropa (bahasa inggris).
Tapi aku ga cukup bahagia dari situ.
Masih banyak hal yang mengerikan dari aku.


CONTOH :

1. Badannya tidak berbentuk layaknya gitar spanyol (malah berbentuk seperti kecapi. LHO?)
2. Alergi sama yang namanya angka (bisa dilihat kan? kalo aku lemah otak di matematika)
3. Punya suara yang menggelegar seperti speaker mesjid (oke, yang satu ini punya dua sisi; bisa baik, bisa enggak. Soalnya aku biasa teriak-teriak di kuping orang. haha)
4. Punya mulut yang super busuk dan setajam pisau cukur,
5. Dan yang terakhir memang gak banyak orang tahu kalo aku itu super sensitif sekali.

Bagian kelemahan yang terakhir itu cuma segelintir orang yang tahu. Soalnya aku selalu menyembunyikan semua sampah hidupku di balik ejekan, lelucon, tindakan dan tawa konyol.

Banyak orang ngira aku itu ceria, tapi yang berpendapat seperti itu hanyalah orang yang belum kenal dekat dengan aku.

Tapi it's okay. It is better that way.

Okay. Go back to my wheel of life.

Salah satu masalah yang jadi acuan kalo rodaku mulai berputar turun adalah kebahagiaan-kebahagiaan sederhana yang mulai jarang terasa.

Yang kusebut kebahagiaan itu adalah kenyamanan ketika kamu mendapati ada seseorang yang menyayangimu dengan cara yang berbeda (bukan rasa cinta antar keluarga) tetapi rasa sayang seorang 

bocah laki-laki (bocah jare).

Tapi aku memang butuh itu (keliatan sekali kalau saya jablay -__-)

Emang aku punya pacar, tapi ada temen yang ngomong kalo hubunganku itu sama aja bohong (Long Distance Relationship with Ryan O Conner yang sepertinya tidak serius).

Aku tahu itu, tapi semuanya udah terlanjur personal.

Setiap kali aku mendengar temanku ngobrol tentang cowok yang disukai ataupun pacarnya yang bertindak konyol sehingga membuat mereka malu ga ketolong, yang kulakukan setelah mendengar mereka adalah mengasihani diri sendiri atau nggak memberi penghiburan kecil, seperti : jika suatu hari nanti akan ada seorang laki-laki baik hati yang mempunyai cinta yang cukup besar untukku, tapi yang harus kulakukan sekarang hanyalah menunggu.

Menunggu laki-laki itu datang dengan sendirinya seiring pena takdir terus menerus menulis apa yang akan terjadi, tetapi bagaimana denga fakta bahwa takdir hanya bisa berubah jika si Manusia mengubahnya sendiri?

Aku semakin bingung di sini, kau tahu?

Ada satu waktu ketika salah satu sahabat saya bercerita tentang kencan pertamanya--dengan pacar baru tentunya--dan yang kurasakan adalah sebuah kedengkian bukan kebahagiaan.

Anehnya aku malah menangis dan berpikir bahwa laki-laki sudah tidak mau memilih cewek yang unik dan sebobrok aku. (JABLAY !). Yang ada di pikiranku saat itu adalah "Betapa bahagianya aku, jika yang digayuti oleh pacarnya adalah tanganku?" Detik itu aku langsung menarik napas panjang dan menekankan bahwa masih ada Ryan.

Things that often happen in my love life is "Right Time,Wrong Person. Wrong Time, Right Person."

Gimana gak jengah punya hidup kayak aku?

Hal-hal di atas merupakan benda-benda di kehidupanku yang mulai berjatuhan seiring rodanya yang berputar turun.

Mungkin yang harus kulakukan hanyalah bersabar dan bertawakal serta mempercatik diri mungkin ya?? (hahha)


Dan sudah seminggu lebih si Bule dari London itu gak balas emailku. Sudah berkali-kali aku ngirim, tapi balasannya tidak lebih dari cukup. Aku menutut lebih dan sekarang dia malah mencampakkanku.
And I guess, I have to stop waiting. Aku harus menekankan bahwa Ryan itu cuma khayalan gila dari otak jablayku dan kurasa aku harus tetap merasa kesepian dan memendam rasa iri kepada orang-orang yang sedang madly, deeply and truly in love with their muse. I have to stand alone. Again (what a loser).

P.S : I think today is the day when ryan is not going to call me 'dear' again.

From the fact above you can see that there is one more thing that began to fall. I promise I will stop contact and hoping that he would come back again. It hurts enough to know that it's been a week, we have no communication. It has to stop.

Breathe Again

Car is parked, bags are packed, but what kind of heart doesn't look back
At the comfortable glow from the porch, the one I will still call yours?
All those words came undone and now I'm not the only one
Facing the ghosts that decide if the fire inside still burns

All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again
I'll breathe again

Open up next to you and my secrets become your truth
And the distance between that was sheltering me comes in full view
Hang my head, break my heart built from all I have torn apart
And my burden to bear is a love I can't carry anymore

All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again

It hurts to be here
I only wanted love from you
It hurts to be here
What am I gonna do?

All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching
All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again
I'll breathe again 

Sara Bareilles, Kaleidoscope Heart

Love Hurts

I know what does that sentence mean.


L.O.V.E can describe everything just in 4 letters.


Happines.
Sorrow.
Laugh.
And everything happy or sad.


Having love in your heart is AMAZING but this could be a misery to someone who doesnt want to feel it.
Because not every love is beautiful.
Sometimes you love the wrong guy and your surrounding is not happy with it.
It hurts so much.
Or the one you love doesnt even know that you have something special for them inside.
They just dont get what we are trying to show.o."


For that case, you have rights to WAIT.
Love them even they dont realize it.
If it takes time and you got tired someday, LEAVE them behind.


Their satelite is broken. They didnt get the signal.
Dont waste times !
Take off your feet and be gone.


I know that would be difficult but this is what you have to do.
You couldnt just say that you would forget them BECAUSE I KNOW THAT YOUR HEART WOULDNT LET YOU DO SO.
They will stay (it's okay)


You can always look back.
You can save them as your beautiful memory or whatever.


That kind of love is painful. Beacase this formula happens.
"If You Love Me, You Have To Let Me Go"


I have been in this kind of situation.
Tortured by the love that i feel inside.
Even tho it was along-long time ago but i always can feel the tangle inside my heart.
It made me shed a tear.
It hurt to let go of your priceless love.
but something made it as an order.


If you have been in that situation and trying so hard to forget about the pain, Im telling you to STOP!
It is useless.

The harder you try to forget, the stronger memories that will stick.
Trust me.Just dont erase them from your memory.Just memorise it as an experience that you could learn of someday.You can always looking back but REMEMBER NO REGRET ALLOWS
because Sara Bareilles create a song called "Breathe Again" with no reason.It tells you that looking back is NORMAL.

"Car is parked, bags are packed, but what kind of heart doesn't look back"

yeah what kind of heart doesnt look back? Even just once.Anyone has done that.
Including me :)

Does He Real?

Hola!
I am a freshman blogger. Baru belajar nih nulis beginian.

Here We Go-
Dua hari terakhir aku lagi in love sama seorang bule yang tak temuin di omegle sebulan lalu.
Namanya, Ryan O Conner. He is sweet, lives n London and the important thing is HE LOVES ME !

Punya pacar bule serasa orang yang barusan menang lotere. Beruntung banget B)
Banyak orang yang gak percaya, tapi I can proove it to you, if you want.
Tetapi selain senengnya minta ampun, aku juga gak bisa berhenti khawatir.

Gundah gulana tanpa ada ujungnya.

Pacaran gak kayak pacaran.
Long distance relationship is killing me!
Cuma lewat email kita kontak dan Ryan sendiri juga gak pernah mau webcam-an.
(Tukeran foto aja pake nunggu lama)
SUCKS banget!

Dari fakta di atas, kalian bisa nilai kan gimana susahnya punya pacar yang tinggalnya jauh banget/
Belum juga bukti apa dia REAL or FAKE.
This is the only thing that im worry about >>Ryan O Conner doesnt exist in reality.

I do really need to know that HE IS REAL and ALIVE.

Banyak hal yang bikin aku tambah galau.
Setiap kali aku mengorek tentang personal info, dia selalu nolak.
Everytime that I ask for a new photo of him, he said, "it will take times."

Apa dia masih perlu cari orang yang sama (kaya di foto pertama)  buat di foto?
Aku minta fotonya (lagi) karena aku butuh untuk tahu kalau dia ADA.

I do hope so that he is real and alive--and exist.
because his loves and his words are stick in my mind.